Last week, when I was FaceTiming with my friend Georgia1, the conversation turned to one of her former relationships.
This particular relationship ended years ago and by now, it has been over for longer than it lasted. In the years since, Georgia has moved across the country multiple times, changed jobs twice, and had two other longterm relationships, not including her current partner, a man she sees herself marrying. However, despite all the many years, miles, and life events between her and this relationship, she is still haunted by it.
Recently, Georgia learned through the grapevine that her ex’s now-wife is pregnant with their first child. This information was what brought the conversation to her ex.
“Oh” I said, weighing my response. Eventually I settled on a casually genuine, “Good for them.”
Georgia sighed. “I guess.”
“Oh my god, did you hear that —
“What do you think he sees in her?” Georgia asked, cutting off my blatant attempt at changing the subject.
“Georgia.” I said her name as gently as possible.
“I know, I know,” she said. “He just never gave me any closure and that sucks, you know?”
I do know…
I very much know what it’s like to have someone break your heart and walk away. Leaving you to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of the what, why, and how?
What went wrong?
Why did they leave?
How could I have stopped it from happening?
I know what it’s like to lose hours of your life dissecting every little detail of a relationship. Turning seemingly innocent moments over and over in your head, wondering what warning signs you missed. Blaming yourself. Wondering what you did wrong.
I know what it’s like to ask the questions out loud, only to be met with silence or evasive non-answers or meaningless cliches that tell you absolutely nothing.
I also know…
I very much know how lack of closure can drive you crazy. How you can want so badly to move on, but you’re stuck because you’re wearing boots made of questions and lead. And, try as you might, the stupid boots make it impossible to pick up your feet and move on.
So you don’t. Instead, you stay where you are — waiting, wondering, and wishing — until the lack of closure eats you alive.
But here is the thing…
Closure isn’t guaranteed to make you feel better.
It certainly doesn’t change anything. Not the situation or the way the person feels about you.
Closure might actually make you feel worse. I’ve seen it happen to friends who push and push for information, only to receive answers they were better off not knowing
And here is the biggest truth of all…
Sometimes — most of the time, I might argue — shit just happens.
People’s feelings change for no apparent reason. They leave without saying goodbye. They do something because they wanted to in the moment with no valid explanation.
So often there isn’t a good explanation — or any explanation — for why people do the things they do. Sometimes they just do.
And that sucks. And it hurts. And it’s beyond confusing.
But sometimes, that’s just the way things go.
Such is life.
c’est la vie
We aren’t always going to get the answers we want and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to make peace with that.
Tell yourself you don’t need closure to move on because you don’t. At least, not from another person.
As much as we might like to force someone to give us closure, we can only control ourselves. So, if closure is something we really need in order to move on, we must look inside ourselves to find the closure that we need.
Tell me, have you ever experienced a lack of closure from a relationship or a situation? How did you deal with it?
XOXO,
Maddie
Names have been changed to protect the innocent. (I’ve always wanted to have a reason to write that!!!)
Omg thank you for writing this. I do often think about the closure I never received from previous friendships and my relationship before getting married. It's a shame I'll never know the answers, but one thing's for sure: shit happens, and sometimes you just gotta dust yourself off and move on. because the right people who are meant to be in your life WILL BE <3 bookmarking this page so I can send it to any of my friends going thru something like this.
Ugh I feel for both you and your friend here. I remember finding out an ex of mine was getting married (this was when I was already in a new relationship) and the whole thing shook me much more than I expected. I don’t even know why, we had closure. Sometimes I think it’s just the shock of seeing the life we could have had played out in front of us.
But you’re right of course, even that is proof closure doesn’t always help. Sometimes even with it there’s still a confusion around why and how did it happen and but what if…
And all you can do is accept it, and eventually, let go.
I hope your friend feels better soon 🖤